Screaming Infidelities

I don't know which hurt more; how much I need him or the fact he doesn't need me....

I'm wrestling with myself, losing sleep, and consistently bombarding my mind with rubbish of my future falling to pieces before my eyes. My faith has fallen short, and I can't help but question my motives. I feel like I'm on 20 Questions, but the answers are too far out of reach or too painful for me to recognize fully. I know I'm not the same person who started this blog. I've lost parts of myself that I can't remember, and I only know that I don't know who I am. Stress, uncertainty, and fear of a future I can't fully control has taken over my thoughts, and I can only sit and wait to snap out of it.

I find myself watching people closer now, like a scientist trying to pick which subject has to be eliminated. I'm self-critical in my analyzations of myself, just as I am of the people I observe. I look for the hidden motives, the dark secrets, the painful suppressed memories, and their faith in humanity, which seems to be fading in me. I've never trusted people, but I also have never tried to breakdown a person so I can compare and contrast the demons pulling the strings.

The world used to look like a large anthill, full of bustling insects trying to get all their work done before eating the proverbial dust. Now, I see hollow, self-conscious shells wandering around together while trying to find who they are. Grabbing identities here and there, picking and choosing traits to keep. I can't help but wonder if any of us will ever find what we're looking for or if we'll just settle for something in desperation.