Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I've Recently Discovered....
I don't really like myself anymore. In fact, I loathe myself. I have this intense hatred burning inside me, fueled by my insecurities, my weight, esp my parents, and the fact that I destroy everything good and beautiful in my life. It bubbles and churns, consuming my thoughts and my relationships. I torture myself to punish myself for my self-sabotage. I feel this need to cry, to bleed, to feel pain...all in the name of erasing this evil feeling brewing inside me. I remember loving every fiber of my being. Waking up in the mornings, ready to conquer the world. Now, I lie in bed, dreading the fact that I have to get up and face myself. I know that after I get out of the shower, I then get to wrestle with the beast of a person I've let my body become. Trying on ten different outfits bc I am dissatisfied. I then get to do my makeup bc without that I am the ugliest thing I can imagine. With my fat in my clothes and my mask on my face, I then start my day in the outside world. All of the negativity is already building. The only thing I can do now is try to get through my day without harming anyone, but me...
Monday, May 9, 2011
Vide Cor Meum
What a mood I must be in, to torture my soul by reading of a great love lost.
To read of pain in sorrow and longing in loneliness; ah, what a tender mood I'm in.
My heart yearns to break with yours, only to keep it company in it's misery.
The sweet pleasure in love...turned into agony....to love one who loves another.
Chorus: E pensando di lei
Mi sopragiunse uno soave sonno
Ego dominus tuus
Vide cor tuum
E d'esto core ardendo
Cor tuum
(Chorus: Lei paventosa)
Umilmente pascea.
Appresso gir lo ne vedea piangendo.
La letizia si convertia
In amarissimo pianto
Io sono in pace
Cor meum
Io sono in pace
Vide cor meum.
To read of pain in sorrow and longing in loneliness; ah, what a tender mood I'm in.
My heart yearns to break with yours, only to keep it company in it's misery.
The sweet pleasure in love...turned into agony....to love one who loves another.
Chorus: E pensando di lei
Mi sopragiunse uno soave sonno
Ego dominus tuus
Vide cor tuum
E d'esto core ardendo
Cor tuum
(Chorus: Lei paventosa)
Umilmente pascea.
Appresso gir lo ne vedea piangendo.
La letizia si convertia
In amarissimo pianto
Io sono in pace
Cor meum
Io sono in pace
Vide cor meum.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
tired
im tired of being tired.
im tired of being frustrated.
im tired of being knock-out, dragged-out, ran-down tired.
im tired of feeling like im the only one.
im tired of feeling like everything is waiting to come undone.
im tired of all of the bullshit.
im tired of being the only one who is tired of this place we live in.
im tired of not being able to express myself freely.
im tired of having to hold all this in.
im tired of being the only one listening, as i scream out again.
im tired of being stepped on.
im tired of being their toy.
im tired of the bondage.
im tired of being alone.
im.
just.
tired.
im tired of being frustrated.
im tired of being knock-out, dragged-out, ran-down tired.
im tired of feeling like im the only one.
im tired of feeling like everything is waiting to come undone.
im tired of all of the bullshit.
im tired of being the only one who is tired of this place we live in.
im tired of not being able to express myself freely.
im tired of having to hold all this in.
im tired of being the only one listening, as i scream out again.
im tired of being stepped on.
im tired of being their toy.
im tired of the bondage.
im tired of being alone.
im.
just.
tired.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
WELCOME!
THANKS FOR CHECKING OUT THE BLOG!
tIPS:
sTART AT THE BOTTOM AND WORK YOUR WAY UP!
lISTEN TO THE MUSIC!
sEND SOME COMMENTS!
tIPS:
sTART AT THE BOTTOM AND WORK YOUR WAY UP!
lISTEN TO THE MUSIC!
sEND SOME COMMENTS!
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Music Issue Part Two: Now And Then
ET- Katy Perry Feat. Kanye West
Desperately Wanting- Better Than Ezra
Desperately Wanting- Better Than Ezra
Saturday, April 16, 2011
To Be or Not to Be Tangible
I want to be something intangible... Something you can only grab for, and never reach; Like a star or the moon, twinkling away in the depth of space. A hopeful desire to some day obtain. To be a distant dream placed on a shelf, to be admired. I want to be a note in a journal or a scribble on a page in jet black ink or graphite gray, on the page forever to stay. I want to be an immortal longing, never to be satisfied.
When things are tangible, they seem to lose their spark. Interest is lost because the object is found. The appetite to have it withers into the boredom of keeping it. Soon it's lost altogether in a pile of other tangible dreams, sitting among the other wasted wants and wishes.
To be intangible, to be that insatiable yearning...No dream is greater, no dream more appealing than to be a hunger never to be fed. Never to be replaced or lost, only to be craved and searched. To be intangible...
When things are tangible, they seem to lose their spark. Interest is lost because the object is found. The appetite to have it withers into the boredom of keeping it. Soon it's lost altogether in a pile of other tangible dreams, sitting among the other wasted wants and wishes.
To be intangible, to be that insatiable yearning...No dream is greater, no dream more appealing than to be a hunger never to be fed. Never to be replaced or lost, only to be craved and searched. To be intangible...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Freedom
My heart is on fire.
My veins are pulsing with flame.
My skin is melting off of my bones.
Watch as I burn.
All you will see is a glow,
All you will feel is a calm.
I might be engulfed in fire,
But pain is absent from my face.
Ash to ash and dust to dust,
We all return to the dirt.
I am sick of the anger,
That once consumed my life.
I will let the fire cleanse away all you've given me.
All the hate,
All the pain,
Hoping to have nothing left.
In the absent of self,
I will find everything.
Without you,
I can be anything.
My veins are pulsing with flame.
My skin is melting off of my bones.
Watch as I burn.
All you will see is a glow,
All you will feel is a calm.
I might be engulfed in fire,
But pain is absent from my face.
Ash to ash and dust to dust,
We all return to the dirt.
I am sick of the anger,
That once consumed my life.
I will let the fire cleanse away all you've given me.
All the hate,
All the pain,
Hoping to have nothing left.
In the absent of self,
I will find everything.
Without you,
I can be anything.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
To All The Ones I Love
I am so glad you're following my blog. I don't blog everyday, but I am trying to add more frequently (3x a week.) I am going to start a food and drinks blog sometime soon when things slow down. Until then I will entertain you here and let you know what happens.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
To the Hospital...
In the Scrubs episode "My Life In Four Cameras," JD meets the writer for "Cheers," and begins to fantasize about what the hospital would be like if it was a poppy-sitcom, where everything is light and funny, and most importantly, everything wraps up just like a present on christmas. No one dies of sudden complications, no disease is too unbearable, and everyone is a comedian. He fights with this idea of a "perfect" world as it clashes with the harsh reality of what actually happens in a hospital. Here's where things get touchy. Scrubs may not be that kind of silly sitcom like JD portrays in his daydream, but it isnt the way they portray it to be on a "regular" day anyways.
A hospital is a cold, confusing building designed by demons to trick grieving loved-ones into finding only the same hallway twice, a few stairwells, and the elevators. You wander trying to find the cafeteria, only to find it closed, and when you attempt the vending machine, it steals the last 3 one-dollar bills you have. The hospital isnt filled with friendly people talking and laughing with their doctors, instead they are walking around like they could have a million other places to be and someone stuck them in here. There are no "Dr.Cox"s or "JD"s, in fact, I haven't seen a damn doctor in this room or in the hall for that matter. "Carla" never shows up to check on the patient, and "Elliot" is no where to be found. Who you ask does actually show up? Women who sit at the nurse's station and interrogate you, not caring you've been here alllll daaayy, and might not exactly remember to say "Room 3023 needs...." at 4:30 in the morning, and accidentally say "She needs...."----To which she replied, "who is 'she?' All I could think is "Thank you for putting a counter between me and her..." Excuse my manners, but if I'm in the hospital for any reason, dont expect to get away with sarcasm, esp when it's my mom who just so happens to be the patient. I dont like bothering you anymore than you like me bothering you.
The equipment doesnt work smoothly and easily, it has complications and problems like anything else. The ice packs melt and wet the bedding, the TV remote doesnt work (leaving me to stand on a chair like a 5th grader to operate it, while watching the door to make sure I dont get caught standing on said chair,) And just because it's 5am, doesnt mean you will be sleeping. Nevermind the fact you have been in the waiting room since 1pm, they didnt move her into a room until 4:30pm, and it is now way later, and you are still here. The recliner chairs are def. more comfortable than the others, but when it's 5 degrees in your room, and you have no blanket or pillow, sleep tends to be difficult. Plus the steady flow of "aliens" poking, probing, and prodding...Its a thing of beauty that the patient gets any rest. let alone the person who sits faithfully at her side.
So you are going to try and get food...get ready for a fight. Once you eventually find your way out, dont forget to tell the nightguard you ARE coming back, and please pay attention to which door you exit. Unless you find walking around the entire building trying to find the parking lot which your car is parked as an enjoyable exercise. Where are you going to go? It doesnt matter, getting back is going to be the fun part anyways. There is never any traffic in the wee hours, but trying to find a door that will let you back in is the trick. Then once you are back inside, watch your food like a hawk! I've never seen more people ready to jump me over McDonald's. Part of me wanted to eat my fries while riding the elevator just to see if the lady beside me would beat me for the quarter-pounder and drink.
Here I sit, writing to whomever will read it, and I can't help but feel a calm come over me. I might have lost sleep, an earring, and more than an entire day, I can honestly say I wouldnt have missed it for anything. I love my mom, and I am always ready to fight tooth and nail for her, and if that means being here instead of at home in bed, you best believe I would always be here.
A hospital is a cold, confusing building designed by demons to trick grieving loved-ones into finding only the same hallway twice, a few stairwells, and the elevators. You wander trying to find the cafeteria, only to find it closed, and when you attempt the vending machine, it steals the last 3 one-dollar bills you have. The hospital isnt filled with friendly people talking and laughing with their doctors, instead they are walking around like they could have a million other places to be and someone stuck them in here. There are no "Dr.Cox"s or "JD"s, in fact, I haven't seen a damn doctor in this room or in the hall for that matter. "Carla" never shows up to check on the patient, and "Elliot" is no where to be found. Who you ask does actually show up? Women who sit at the nurse's station and interrogate you, not caring you've been here alllll daaayy, and might not exactly remember to say "Room 3023 needs...." at 4:30 in the morning, and accidentally say "She needs...."----To which she replied, "who is 'she?' All I could think is "Thank you for putting a counter between me and her..." Excuse my manners, but if I'm in the hospital for any reason, dont expect to get away with sarcasm, esp when it's my mom who just so happens to be the patient. I dont like bothering you anymore than you like me bothering you.
The equipment doesnt work smoothly and easily, it has complications and problems like anything else. The ice packs melt and wet the bedding, the TV remote doesnt work (leaving me to stand on a chair like a 5th grader to operate it, while watching the door to make sure I dont get caught standing on said chair,) And just because it's 5am, doesnt mean you will be sleeping. Nevermind the fact you have been in the waiting room since 1pm, they didnt move her into a room until 4:30pm, and it is now way later, and you are still here. The recliner chairs are def. more comfortable than the others, but when it's 5 degrees in your room, and you have no blanket or pillow, sleep tends to be difficult. Plus the steady flow of "aliens" poking, probing, and prodding...Its a thing of beauty that the patient gets any rest. let alone the person who sits faithfully at her side.
So you are going to try and get food...get ready for a fight. Once you eventually find your way out, dont forget to tell the nightguard you ARE coming back, and please pay attention to which door you exit. Unless you find walking around the entire building trying to find the parking lot which your car is parked as an enjoyable exercise. Where are you going to go? It doesnt matter, getting back is going to be the fun part anyways. There is never any traffic in the wee hours, but trying to find a door that will let you back in is the trick. Then once you are back inside, watch your food like a hawk! I've never seen more people ready to jump me over McDonald's. Part of me wanted to eat my fries while riding the elevator just to see if the lady beside me would beat me for the quarter-pounder and drink.
Here I sit, writing to whomever will read it, and I can't help but feel a calm come over me. I might have lost sleep, an earring, and more than an entire day, I can honestly say I wouldnt have missed it for anything. I love my mom, and I am always ready to fight tooth and nail for her, and if that means being here instead of at home in bed, you best believe I would always be here.
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