Plans

When John Steinbeck made his quote "even the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry," I can't help but feel he was thinking of me.

All my life I've made plans; little blueprints of the future to help guide me. Well, that was before I realized that just because you've made them doesn't mean they'll go that way. I asked myself a question that still plagues me today, "To plan or not to plan?"

As we get older we tend to have a set vision of where our lives are going, where we've been, and how to avoid the proverbial potholes in our way. All in all, we are creatures of habit and making plans has to be the nastiest habit of them all. By trying to organize our lives, we tell everyone in a silent voice to go ahead and screw with them. Wether we advertise this truth or not, we can't deny that once plans have been discussed, they all fail or at least go awry. It's a flashing sign to the universe that says "I've got things from here, take a break." Very funny. You can never have your cake and eat it too, esp. when you think you're in control. If it's been proven once, it's been proven a hundred times more.

So do we go with the flow and handle what life throws at us or plan twice as hard in hopes that some will stick and the ones that dont, hey, at least we'll be prepared? When you find you way of doing things, keep it silent and pray that no one else finds out or once again, you'll have a candle but no matches to light it with.

Screaming Infidelities

I don't know which hurt more; how much I need him or the fact he doesn't need me....

I'm wrestling with myself, losing sleep, and consistently bombarding my mind with rubbish of my future falling to pieces before my eyes. My faith has fallen short, and I can't help but question my motives. I feel like I'm on 20 Questions, but the answers are too far out of reach or too painful for me to recognize fully. I know I'm not the same person who started this blog. I've lost parts of myself that I can't remember, and I only know that I don't know who I am. Stress, uncertainty, and fear of a future I can't fully control has taken over my thoughts, and I can only sit and wait to snap out of it.

I find myself watching people closer now, like a scientist trying to pick which subject has to be eliminated. I'm self-critical in my analyzations of myself, just as I am of the people I observe. I look for the hidden motives, the dark secrets, the painful suppressed memories, and their faith in humanity, which seems to be fading in me. I've never trusted people, but I also have never tried to breakdown a person so I can compare and contrast the demons pulling the strings.

The world used to look like a large anthill, full of bustling insects trying to get all their work done before eating the proverbial dust. Now, I see hollow, self-conscious shells wandering around together while trying to find who they are. Grabbing identities here and there, picking and choosing traits to keep. I can't help but wonder if any of us will ever find what we're looking for or if we'll just settle for something in desperation.

Gravity

A man once sang, "I'll never know what makes this man, with all the love that his heart can stand, dream of ways to throw it all away."

I can't help but feel compelled to write, and then you hear that "twice as much ain't twice as good, and can't sustain like a one half could. It's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees," and I feel compelled to cry.

The "gravity" of this song hits home for so many of us who have our hands full, and yet we still want more. The honesty in the lyrics sends a heartbroken message of a man fighting with himself to preserve what he has and to avoid temptation by shining a light on it.

I love this song not only for that honesty, but also because I can feel the emotion that is in the chords and the lyrics. It is a song that will echo in the minds of everyone who hears it and it's painful story of a man's realization.

Let Me Catch You Up...

I am engaged to a wonderful person named Andres. I'm still at Lee College, pursuing an Associates Degree in Natural Sciences. I work at the Avenue in Baytown where I am now the assistant manager. I am having the time of my life and I can't believe I'm only 20! Life is amazing, you just have to be with the right people.