I've Recently Discovered....

I don't really like myself anymore. In fact, I loathe myself. I have this intense hatred burning inside me, fueled by my insecurities, my weight, esp my parents, and the fact that I destroy everything good and beautiful in my life. It bubbles and churns, consuming my thoughts and my relationships. I torture myself to punish myself for my self-sabotage. I feel this need to cry, to bleed, to feel pain...all in the name of erasing this evil feeling brewing inside me. I remember loving every fiber of my being. Waking up in the mornings, ready to conquer the world. Now, I lie in bed, dreading the fact that I have to get up and face myself. I know that after I get out of the shower, I then get to wrestle with the beast of a person I've let my body become. Trying on ten different outfits bc I am dissatisfied. I then get to do my makeup bc without that I am the ugliest thing I can imagine. With my fat in my clothes and my mask on my face, I then start my day in the outside world. All of the negativity is already building. The only thing I can do now is try to get through my day without harming anyone, but me...