Spring Semester: First Blog of a Series

All I can say is that I hope it goes by quickly.... Sitting in class, waiting... I feel like the majority of college is waiting. Waiting for class to start, Waiting for class to end. Waiting on grades, Waiting for the semester to end. If you can get past all the mind-numbing and time-wasting waiting, you could probably get through anything. Nothing eats at you more than waiting for a bad semester to end. So far the waiting hasnt been so unpleasant, in fact, I'm using the extra time to be "productive." Productive is in quotes more because I could actually be doing something better with my time than writing this blog to my 2 or 3 "faithful readers." All in all, this is beneficial to myself. Well, he's here. Till next time.....

Trying to Forget to Remember

Once again I start my journey. As my feet hit the ground, I wonder how long it's going to take this time... How long it's going to take to lose myself in the concrete How long it's going to take to forget everything; Losing my thoughts in my head to the rhythm of my feet hitting the ground. The sweat on my brow, the sun on my shoulders, and the wind on my face; Trying not to remember why I decided to run away, and yet letting it fuel the fire that pushes me further. Once again I find myself running away... I find myself searching for another answer in the sun and trees. Just trying to lose it all in the racing of my heart. As I round another corner, turn another bend, I find myself going home. All I can think about is the rush of water and the smell of soap. Trading my baggy shorts for a soft clean towel, and letting it all melt down the drain. I put my shoes back in the closet with one less problem resting on their soles.

I've Recently Discovered....

I don't really like myself anymore. In fact, I loathe myself. I have this intense hatred burning inside me, fueled by my insecurities, my weight, esp my parents, and the fact that I destroy everything good and beautiful in my life. It bubbles and churns, consuming my thoughts and my relationships. I torture myself to punish myself for my self-sabotage. I feel this need to cry, to bleed, to feel pain...all in the name of erasing this evil feeling brewing inside me. I remember loving every fiber of my being. Waking up in the mornings, ready to conquer the world. Now, I lie in bed, dreading the fact that I have to get up and face myself. I know that after I get out of the shower, I then get to wrestle with the beast of a person I've let my body become. Trying on ten different outfits bc I am dissatisfied. I then get to do my makeup bc without that I am the ugliest thing I can imagine. With my fat in my clothes and my mask on my face, I then start my day in the outside world. All of the negativity is already building. The only thing I can do now is try to get through my day without harming anyone, but me...

Vide Cor Meum

What a mood I must be in, to torture my soul by reading of a great love lost.
To read of pain in sorrow and longing in loneliness; ah, what a tender mood I'm in.
My heart yearns to break with yours, only to keep it company in it's misery.
The sweet pleasure in love...turned into agony....to love one who loves another.



Chorus: E pensando di lei
Mi sopragiunse uno soave sonno

Ego dominus tuus
Vide cor tuum
E d'esto core ardendo
Cor tuum
(Chorus: Lei paventosa)
Umilmente pascea.
Appresso gir lo ne vedea piangendo.

La letizia si convertia
In amarissimo pianto

Io sono in pace
Cor meum
Io sono in pace
Vide cor meum.

tired

im tired of being tired.
im tired of being frustrated.
im tired of being knock-out, dragged-out, ran-down tired.
im tired of feeling like im the only one.
im tired of feeling like everything is waiting to come undone.
im tired of all of the bullshit.
im tired of being the only one who is tired of this place we live in.
im tired of not being able to express myself freely.
im tired of having to hold all this in.
im tired of being the only one listening, as i scream out again.
im tired of being stepped on.
im tired of being their toy.
im tired of the bondage.
im tired of being alone.
im.
just.
tired.

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The Music Issue Part Two: Now And Then

ET- Katy Perry Feat. Kanye West


Desperately Wanting- Better Than Ezra

To Be or Not to Be Tangible

I want to be something intangible... Something you can only grab for, and never reach; Like a star or the moon, twinkling away in the depth of space. A hopeful desire to some day obtain. To be a distant dream placed on a shelf, to be admired. I want to be a note in a journal or a scribble on a page in jet black ink or graphite gray, on the page forever to stay. I want to be an immortal longing, never to be satisfied.

When things are tangible, they seem to lose their spark. Interest is lost because the object is found. The appetite to have it withers into the boredom of keeping it. Soon it's lost altogether in a pile of other tangible dreams, sitting among the other wasted wants and wishes.

To be intangible, to be that insatiable yearning...No dream is greater, no dream more appealing than to be a hunger never to be fed. Never to be replaced or lost, only to be craved and searched. To be intangible...

Freedom

My heart is on fire.
My veins are pulsing with flame.
My skin is melting off of my bones.
Watch as I burn.
All you will see is a glow,
All you will feel is a calm.
I might be engulfed in fire,
But pain is absent from my face.
Ash to ash and dust to dust,
We all return to the dirt.
I am sick of the anger,
That once consumed my life.
I will let the fire cleanse away all you've given me.
All the hate,
All the pain,
Hoping to have nothing left.
In the absent of self,
I will find everything.
Without you,
I can be anything.

Give Me Something

Song by Scars on 45-

To All The Ones I Love

I am so glad you're following my blog. I don't blog everyday, but I am trying to add more frequently (3x a week.) I am going to start a food and drinks blog sometime soon when things slow down. Until then I will entertain you here and let you know what happens.

To the Hospital...

In the Scrubs episode "My Life In Four Cameras," JD meets the writer for "Cheers," and begins to fantasize about what the hospital would be like if it was a poppy-sitcom, where everything is light and funny, and most importantly, everything wraps up just like a present on christmas. No one dies of sudden complications, no disease is too unbearable, and everyone is a comedian. He fights with this idea of a "perfect" world as it clashes with the harsh reality of what actually happens in a hospital. Here's where things get touchy. Scrubs may not be that kind of silly sitcom like JD portrays in his daydream, but it isnt the way they portray it to be on a "regular" day anyways.
A hospital is a cold, confusing building designed by demons to trick grieving loved-ones into finding only the same hallway twice, a few stairwells, and the elevators. You wander trying to find the cafeteria, only to find it closed, and when you attempt the vending machine, it steals the last 3 one-dollar bills you have. The hospital isnt filled with friendly people talking and laughing with their doctors, instead they are walking around like they could have a million other places to be and someone stuck them in here. There are no "Dr.Cox"s or "JD"s, in fact, I haven't seen a damn doctor in this room or in the hall for that matter. "Carla" never shows up to check on the patient, and "Elliot" is no where to be found. Who you ask does actually show up? Women who sit at the nurse's station and interrogate you, not caring you've been here alllll daaayy, and might not exactly remember to say "Room 3023 needs...." at 4:30 in the morning, and accidentally say "She needs...."----To which she replied, "who is 'she?' All I could think is "Thank you for putting a counter between me and her..." Excuse my manners, but if I'm in the hospital for any reason, dont expect to get away with sarcasm, esp when it's my mom who just so happens to be the patient. I dont like bothering you anymore than you like me bothering you.
The equipment doesnt work smoothly and easily, it has complications and problems like anything else. The ice packs melt and wet the bedding, the TV remote doesnt work (leaving me to stand on a chair like a 5th grader to operate it, while watching the door to make sure I dont get caught standing on said chair,) And just because it's 5am, doesnt mean you will be sleeping. Nevermind the fact you have been in the waiting room since 1pm, they didnt move her into a room until 4:30pm, and it is now way later, and you are still here. The recliner chairs are def. more comfortable than the others, but when it's 5 degrees in your room, and you have no blanket or pillow, sleep tends to be difficult. Plus the steady flow of "aliens" poking, probing, and prodding...Its a thing of beauty that the patient gets any rest. let alone the person who sits faithfully at her side.
So you are going to try and get food...get ready for a fight. Once you eventually find your way out, dont forget to tell the nightguard you ARE coming back, and please pay attention to which door you exit. Unless you find walking around the entire building trying to find the parking lot which your car is parked as an enjoyable exercise. Where are you going to go? It doesnt matter, getting back is going to be the fun part anyways. There is never any traffic in the wee hours, but trying to find a door that will let you back in is the trick. Then once you are back inside, watch your food like a hawk! I've never seen more people ready to jump me over McDonald's. Part of me wanted to eat my fries while riding the elevator just to see if the lady beside me would beat me for the quarter-pounder and drink.
Here I sit, writing to whomever will read it, and I can't help but feel a calm come over me. I might have lost sleep, an earring, and more than an entire day, I can honestly say I wouldnt have missed it for anything. I love my mom, and I am always ready to fight tooth and nail for her, and if that means being here instead of at home in bed, you best believe I would always be here.

I wonder...

-If animals could really talk would they be like "I love you!" or "Dude...talk to me like a baby one more time and I'll eat your face!"

-If blind people are still allowed to make fat jokes?

-If you could work out at the gym without anyone seeing your fat giggle or the sweat pouring off your rolls, would you still give crappy excuses about not going?

-If I could make my hair grow by biting my nails, would I still have fingers?

-How many people would get into big trouble if the walls in their house suddenly started talking?

-How many sequels is "too many?"

-Why parents call to what you're doing when they know perfectly well you've been fighting the massive laundry monster all day?

-If anyone else is wondering about this stupid crap too...

Plans

When John Steinbeck made his quote "even the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry," I can't help but feel he was thinking of me.

All my life I've made plans; little blueprints of the future to help guide me. Well, that was before I realized that just because you've made them doesn't mean they'll go that way. I asked myself a question that still plagues me today, "To plan or not to plan?"

As we get older we tend to have a set vision of where our lives are going, where we've been, and how to avoid the proverbial potholes in our way. All in all, we are creatures of habit and making plans has to be the nastiest habit of them all. By trying to organize our lives, we tell everyone in a silent voice to go ahead and screw with them. Wether we advertise this truth or not, we can't deny that once plans have been discussed, they all fail or at least go awry. It's a flashing sign to the universe that says "I've got things from here, take a break." Very funny. You can never have your cake and eat it too, esp. when you think you're in control. If it's been proven once, it's been proven a hundred times more.

So do we go with the flow and handle what life throws at us or plan twice as hard in hopes that some will stick and the ones that dont, hey, at least we'll be prepared? When you find you way of doing things, keep it silent and pray that no one else finds out or once again, you'll have a candle but no matches to light it with.

Screaming Infidelities

I don't know which hurt more; how much I need him or the fact he doesn't need me....

I'm wrestling with myself, losing sleep, and consistently bombarding my mind with rubbish of my future falling to pieces before my eyes. My faith has fallen short, and I can't help but question my motives. I feel like I'm on 20 Questions, but the answers are too far out of reach or too painful for me to recognize fully. I know I'm not the same person who started this blog. I've lost parts of myself that I can't remember, and I only know that I don't know who I am. Stress, uncertainty, and fear of a future I can't fully control has taken over my thoughts, and I can only sit and wait to snap out of it.

I find myself watching people closer now, like a scientist trying to pick which subject has to be eliminated. I'm self-critical in my analyzations of myself, just as I am of the people I observe. I look for the hidden motives, the dark secrets, the painful suppressed memories, and their faith in humanity, which seems to be fading in me. I've never trusted people, but I also have never tried to breakdown a person so I can compare and contrast the demons pulling the strings.

The world used to look like a large anthill, full of bustling insects trying to get all their work done before eating the proverbial dust. Now, I see hollow, self-conscious shells wandering around together while trying to find who they are. Grabbing identities here and there, picking and choosing traits to keep. I can't help but wonder if any of us will ever find what we're looking for or if we'll just settle for something in desperation.

Gravity

A man once sang, "I'll never know what makes this man, with all the love that his heart can stand, dream of ways to throw it all away."

I can't help but feel compelled to write, and then you hear that "twice as much ain't twice as good, and can't sustain like a one half could. It's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees," and I feel compelled to cry.

The "gravity" of this song hits home for so many of us who have our hands full, and yet we still want more. The honesty in the lyrics sends a heartbroken message of a man fighting with himself to preserve what he has and to avoid temptation by shining a light on it.

I love this song not only for that honesty, but also because I can feel the emotion that is in the chords and the lyrics. It is a song that will echo in the minds of everyone who hears it and it's painful story of a man's realization.

Let Me Catch You Up...

I am engaged to a wonderful person named Andres. I'm still at Lee College, pursuing an Associates Degree in Natural Sciences. I work at the Avenue in Baytown where I am now the assistant manager. I am having the time of my life and I can't believe I'm only 20! Life is amazing, you just have to be with the right people.

A special piece for my favorite freaks....

Never have regrets, because at one moment it was exactly what you wanted.
Life is too short anyways so you must live to the fullest, and don't forget, not everyone will love you and not everyone will hate you, but they will all know your name.

Have fun, my babies... XOXO

I'll be in the dark for a very long time...

Someone once asked me...

"Have you ever just sat outside and try to slow everything down.
Just to sit out there and do nothing but look at what is around you?"
I sat there, and thought of all the times I had. Laying in my grass, with the sun shining on my face, and the breeze blowing my hair. I would lay for hours, or until my mom called me in; just laying in the grass, watching the world turn. The sad thing is I only took the time to slow things down when I was fed up and done; done with the world and it's worries, done with life, done with it all. I never took the time to look around me because I was to busy watching everthing pass me by. I was always chasing something; some moment in time that I knew I would never grasp. As I came to this sad realization, I couldn't help but feel like I was chasing the wrong things. I would chase everything except the things worth the time and effort. I always ended up empty handed, and oddly determined that the next wouldn't escape. The next and the next, they all went through like water pouring though a drain. Time was wizzing down the drain, and all I could do was watch it twril. Sitting with my computer in my lap, I wanted to weep. Weep for the times lost and the regets I had chased. Like the rays of light bouncing off my hair, I stood up and went outside. I was fed up and done with the world and it's worries, life in general, and the latest "dream" lost. I took my laptop, and here I sit. One question was all it took to wake me up. One simple question to spark the life that had slept for so long. My fingers glide across my slick keys, and my ears perk as birds sing and woodsaws buzz. Looking around now, I now know what I should be chasing, what is actually worth catching. Peace. Wind through my hair. Sun on my skin. I shouldn't be chasing life, but letting life chase me. As I type the last sentences, I can't help but feel incredibly small. In some ways feeling small helps to show you how little you do actually have worry about, and that being small in such a big world is quite alright.

(A special thanks to a certain muse who helped "wake me up" in a sense.)

"Rain" by Jon Heintz

This song has broken my heart. I heard it on Flashpoint tonight, and I felt something inside me brake. As a tear rolled down my cheek, I realized that it was my heart. I don't know why exactly, but I had to research the song on Google and then on Youtube. I had to know the name and the artist, the man who had broken me. I found it on Youtube and couldn't help but feel like sharing this amazing "pain" on my blog. This song has done what most try, and most fail. I can't help but feel drawn to this song. My soul has been hurting for so long now, and I couldn't cry, or even show the pain. My heart had to be torn for my eyes and my mind to mourn for my soul.

"Mon coeur est triste. Pourquoi êtes-vous triste, mon coeur?
Mon coeur porte le deuil pour mon âme. Pourquoi je ne peux pas porter le deuil, aussi?" -Ginna Blankenship: April 9, 2009

If you don't understand my silence, you can't understand my words...

En Fuego

Razors cut deep into flesh, but my cuts from your words lay deeper in my soul and I fear they might never heal. I've been put on more than one block,and now I know that yours will be my last. I will not stand for it any longer, therefore, I bid you a farewell. A farewell that will be as eternal as the words spoken by Jesus on the mount. They will live in infamy, resting in your mind as it tries to comprehend how something so perfect could end so quickly. You have always been on the throne, but now you are only the king of a broken kingdom and a burnt heart. I am not going to crush you like you crushed me; instead I will watch from a distance as you destroy yourself. Your blood will not stain my hands, but the throne you clung to so tightly. You were so afraid of losing your "power," that you lost it all due to your greed, and were betrayed by your own pride. Your blood will flow of your own accord, but only after the guilt has eaten you to a hollow shell. You will sit on your broken kingdom and wander your empty halls, trying to connect the all too many dots that foretold your grief. The pain and lonesomeness will consume you like a wildfire, till all that remains is the ash of a once great fool. As you burn, call out my name as I did yours. Call for me in the darkness as burn. Burn for me, like I once burned for you.

Ave Maria

This song breaks my heart everytime I hear it. It needs no words to describe its wonder.

Quote of the Day

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebs - Collage - Morph

Ultimate Anti-Poster Child

Just when you have me figured out, I'll change. Just when you think that there's nothing left, you'll have more than you thought. Don't think I'm giving up if my head is hung, I'm just getting started. When you think I can't do anything else, sit back and watch, I'll surprise you again. I change, rearrange, and reinvent. No one can contain me, but you can try. You will fail. I will defeat you. You are predictable and boring, every move is foreseen and and already crushed. Try and beat me, you will fail. Everytime, you will fail. I am the unique enigma. One and only. Try and keep up, but you will get lost. I don't conform to anyone, including you. You can try and change me. You will fail. Good luck to you, but i will enjoy your demise. You will continusly be puzzled about me. Your thoughts will be consumed with trying to figure me out, but you never will. You will only fail. Try if you dare, give me another person to crush. You will never change anything, if you dont first change yourself. Even if you do, you'll never be like me. You'll never be as good as me. You will never be me. Good luck, but you will fail, and I will laugh.

Brad Pitt Hates Nazis: 'I want my scalps!'

Tarintino does it again!
I can not wait to go see this movie!!!!!

All Nightmare Long

All Nightmare Long: Metallica

Luck. Runs. Out.
Crawl from the wreckage one more time
Horrific memory twists the mind
Dark, rugged, cold and hard to turn
Path of destruction, feel it burn
Still life
Incarnation
Still life
Infamy

Hallucination
Heresy
Still you run, what's to come?
What's today?

'Cause we hunt you down without mercy
Hunt you down all nightmare long
Feel us breathe upon your face
Feel us shift, every move we trace
Hunt you down without mercy
Hunt you down all nightmare long, yeah
Luck. Runs.

You crawl back in
But your luck runs out

1.2.

Luck. Runs. Out.

The light that is not light is here
To flush you out with your own fear
You hide, you hide, but will be found
Release your crypt without a sound

Still life
Immolation
Still life
Infamy

Hallucination
Heresy
Still you run, what's to come?
What's today?

'Cause we hunt you down without mercy
Hunt you down all nightmare long
Feel us breathe upon your face
Feel us shift, every move we trace
Hunt you down without mercy
Hunt you down all nightmare long
Luck. Runs.

You crawl back in
But your luck runs out

Then you crawl back in
Into your obsession
Never to return
This is your confession

Hunt you down without mercy
Hunt you down all nightmare long
Feel us breathe upon your face
Feel us shift, every move we trace
Hunt you down without mercy
Hunt you down all nightmare long, yeah
Luck. Runs.

You crawl back in
But your luck runs out

Your luck runs out

Here's a link to the video...

http://www.metallica.com/index.asp?item=601688


ENJOY!!!!!! The video is awesome, it chills you somewhat....

Confucius says you will be ..........

If someone could predict the future and tell everyone what to do and not to do, this world would be boring. We would lead "perfect" lives without pit-falls, mistakes, weird circumstances, or even miracles, because we would know every aspect. Nothing would be left to chance, and we would never learn. We would go in the path that was pre-destined for us wether we liked it's direction or not. Life is supposed to kick us in the butt, and we are the ones who need to decide what to do about it, not some hocus-pocus prophet who believes that they are the portal to true happiness.

God gave us free will to use and serve him, to better our lives through Him. He didnt hand us the answers, He gives us hints. The bible is our road map and, yeah, we all detour, but in the end we find our way through Him. In a way, God knows we cant do this on our own, and if He were to give us all the answers, we would eventually lose Him. People complain that God does all these bad things, but we are the ones doing it. We turn our backs on Him, and He lets us learn from our mistakes, because He knows we cant do anything without Him. All of the bad is caused, one way or another, by us. We need to realize that. He never wanted this for us, He wanted an Eden for us to enjoy. We created this hell, and He is waiting for us to realize that. We all need to come to our senses and start changing this world, or soon we will all perish, without Him. Hell is real, He is telling us that we have a choice. We have a decision to make and He will show us the way, but WE must make the choice.
Hell is real. Are you going?
Heaven is real. Will you come with us?

STOPAIDS.ch

As some of ya'll know, I'm an AIDS activist. I believe that my generation has the knowledge to end the spread of the epidemic. I found a new website that I really love. It's called STOPAIDS.ch. It's swedish, so you can read it, but they have a game called "Catch the Sperm,"and you can find it by typing in the game name into Google. You can download free also.
Here's the download website I used...http://www.softpedia.com/get/Others/Home-Education/Catch-the-Sperm.shtml. It was super easy, and the game is pretty simple, but can get very challenging. It's worth a look.

Always use safe sex practices.
Be Safe. Be Informed.

Dark and Quiet

Have you ever sat in a dark, quiet room? What goes on in your head? Are you at peace? Do you feel calm and relaxed, or do you feel scared, helpless, and terribly alone? Do you feel as if the monsters in your dreams are suddenly real and present? Do you feel as if the world is crashing around you, and all you can do is sit as the room encloses and shrinks?

I feel as if I'm never alone. Kinda like I'm in the book 1984 by George Orwell, always being watched and monitored. Always. I can't sit on my bed at night without thinking, "Will it be okay to turn out the lights? Maybe tonight will be different..."

No, I'm not afraid of the dark, in fact, I love it. It hides our flaws in it's surrounding black curtains, keeping our little imperfections, our little embarrassments in a box that no eye can penetrate. I am, however, afraid of my thoughts. My own imagination frightens me. Sometimes I'll go to bed and be alright, but then as I lay down, my thoughts go rampant. Thoughts of death, questions without answers, and things happening that only happen in horror movies. My dreams as a little kid were along the lines of my house burning down as I'm watching my cousin drink gasoline in the garage. I had nightmares of my parents being werewolves folding clothes on our couch, and me awaking to them telling me that lunch would be ready soon. All of my dreams were unpleasant, morbid tales of grief and despair that usually left me waking to shocked to even utter a scream or even a word. Then suddenly, at about 15 years old, the dreams stopped. I could sleep all night, and not wake up gasping for air. It was as if someone had felt that I had deserved a break from the relentless dreams.

As I'm typing this, I'm sitting in a dark room with all of my fears and nightmares surrounding me. The zombies are under the bed and in my closet waiting for the right time to attack and gorge on my flesh. The ghosts and spirits are reading this blog as I'm typing it from the bedpost above my head. The cameras put up by Big Brother are swiveling and alerting the Thought Police of my crimes of free speech. Here I sit anyways, with all of my thoughts. I continue to sit in the pitch, continue to be wrapped in the curtains of the darkness. I'd rather sit here in the dark, than have to face all of my thoughts in the light.

Writing equals so much...

Writing is a big part of my life. It's how I explain thoughts that can't be explained in words. It's how I keep my thoughts from eating away at me. I feel so vulnerable once they're in words, but it's better than them stirring inside me waiting for the inopportune moment to jump out. I guess it's better to keep some inside, but then they build up like a soda that has been rolling around in your trunk for 3 days. Either way, writing is like breathing, without it, well, you know...

First Blog: May 1, 2008

Hi, I'm Ginna.
This blog is not going to be me complaining or talking trash.
This blog is going to be my thoughts over life and pretty much everything else.